[First published by The Clare People, January 29, 2019]
Once upon a time, Theresa Goldilocks decided to cook a very special breakfast for the three bears. Obese as they had become, after gouging themselves silly on lashings of porridge and honey for the previous 400 years, Goldilocks decided that they needed a more varied diet – it was time to make them eat the Ready Brexit.
She slaved over a hot range for two years, stopping constantly to shew away Daddy and Baby Bear who just couldn’t leave her alone for two goddam minutes, finally producing a pot of Ready Brexit, cooked to the manufacturers exact specifications (AKA luke warm, tasteless, won’t kill you but pleasing to no one).
Daddy Bear, who had been drinking heavily all morning and withering on about the glory days when he ruled the entire forest, picked up his bowl of Ready Brexit and threw it hard against the wall. ‘Too bloody warm,’ he said, and returned to his rendition of Rule Britannia, remembering a smattering of the actual words.
Mammy Bear, dressed in her finest red cloak, stroked her prematurely whitening facial fur and smiled contentedly to herself as Goldilocks cleaned the Ready Brexit from the wall.
‘Did you see what he did?’ she said to no one in particular. ‘The right honourable bear has lost his marbles.’ She laughed hysterically and then returned to the settee to continue chewing off her own foot.
Goldilocks returned to the range and was just putting on a fresh pot of Ready Brexit, still following the manufacturer’s guidelines to a tee, when Baby Bear came whizzing into the kitchen.
Baby, who had only recently been allowed indoors after a prolonged and painful decade of potty training, ran across the floor shouting ‘Nooooooooooo!’ and sprinted full-speed, into the range – breaking the hob before falling unconscious to the floor.
‘What a loon,’ said Daddy Bear and Mammy Bear in unison before they returned to their drunken singing and chewing off of their own limbs.
Having used up her one, not-totally-terrible idea, Goldilocks despaired and decided to call the Ready Brexit manufacturers for advice. Unfortunately, the Ready Brexit hotline offered cooking advice in French, German and Gaeilge, but not in English.
Nobody lived happily ever after.